Applying to college

I am not good at applying to college. The hardest part is writing the essay, obviously. Namely, I don't know what to write. The common application has one essay on it, and i get to choose from six questions. I guess I just need to brainstorm. Maybe typing my thought process out will give me ideas.

First: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Significant experiences? Um, I've been to some cool concerts - not too deep of an impact there though. My crowning achievement is being elected president of FPD's do-nothing Mu Alpha Theta club. Risks I've taken? Climbing trees...umm...maybe once I burned a pinecone? Ethical dilemmas, I've got to have some stuff there! Racism, sexism, murder...I don't think I have any stories about me taking the high ground. I cheated for money in eighth grade and I learned that that was a stupid thing to do...
Oh well, I've still got five questions to go. I'm sure something will work for me.

Second: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

Well. Unfortunately, I'm not really all about the issues. I'm of the viewpoint that one person can't change anything unless they go into politics - and i haven't done that and I don't plan on it. So, I just can't put my heart into writing about rights for animals or unborn children. This question is out.

Third: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My dad. My mom. Mr. Powell. Jesus. Hint: writing about Jesus is a surefire way not to get accepted anywhere, and the same probably goes for Mr. Powell. Also, writing about your parents is cliché. This entire question is cliché, actually. Definitely not doing this one.

Fourth: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

I'm going to slap this one with a maybe. Fictional characters that have influenced me? Willy Wonka. Jay Gatsby. I mean, they kind of influenced me. Historical figures like Napoleon maybe? I'm sure I could stretch it or something. Maybe a song that changed the way I am? Casimir Pulaski Day. Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da. Umbrella by Rihanna. Once again: I could stretch it or something. Why do they have to make the topics so vague? Maybe I could choose a creative work of science that has influenced me...except for the fact that I'm having trouble imagining a creative work of science.

Fifth: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Yeah, I would have to lie to answer this question because I think “diversity” is overrated. I mean, yeah, obviously it'd be better to have a doctor and a soldier instead of two doctors or two soldiers, but in my life? I could write some corny story about how me and my friends are different from each other, I guess.

Sixth: Topic of your choice.

Okay, now you're just messing with me.

In conclusion, I only have one word for you, cool colleges off in the distance: forget it. Because I don't think you'll accept an essay-less applicant. UGA early action here I come.